letter to God

i am really tired.

really tired.
i think i want to die. oh god, take me please.

tasia capek ya Allah. tasia lemah ya Allah. tasia sangat lemah ya Allah. tasia gak kuat. 
tasia gak mau hidup lebih lama lagi. tasia udah gak tau lagi mau ngapain di hidup ini.

tasia sayang sama orang orang yang sayang sama tasia.
tapi tasia gak pernah merasa cukup, merasa bahagia, ataupun merasa tenang.
tasia gak tau tasia mau apa. 

semua orang punya ide dan saran nya masing masing. tasia gak tau yang tasia mau sebenarnya apa. tasia tau semua orang punya masalahnya masing masing. tapi tasia capek ya Allah.
tasia udah berdosa. udah berdosa banget. tasia udah berdosa banyak. dan belum cukup untuk masuk surga, tp tasia udah capek banget. 

tasia capek, sesak napas, tangan kaki dingin. jantung berdebar. tasia rasanya susah bernapas. 

tasia gak tau lagi ya Allah. tolong tasia.
masalah tasia emang gak berat, tapi tasia capek hidup selama 27 tahun ini. 

tasia cuma mau ketemu sama orang yang bisa buat tasia sehat dari gangguan ini. pikiran mau mati ini. tapi kenapa tasia dipertemukan sama orang yang malah buat tasia rasanya makin sakit. tasia gak kuat ya Allah. karena tasia udah ketemu, tapi i'm still not happy. :(

so then just take me away, dear god.

hopefully

i just wish not to have this kind feeling, if time could back. i hope i won't feel too deep. to anything or anyone. this is so killing me.

i hope, i really hope to be with someone who madly in love to me, and just love me more as much as i can. i hope to meet someone else. someone new, someone might thought that can be the one i can count on everything. i want someone like hero. but i am afraid. too afraid to let go. i don't think i can be loved that much as i wanted. 

i want to let go. to feel loved like the movie. 

i am so afraid. 
i am so scared of not being happy. because i can't be happy on my own.

i can't make myself happy. i just don't know how.

i am afraid of him will not let me be happy.

i am afraid to choose the wrong one.
dear god,
i want to lose this all kind of feeling.

i don't want to feel this kind any of feeling anymore.
let it go, let me be free. 

let me love myself more than i can do.
i don't want to be in love, especially with a human.

oh please,
save me. :(

dear my love,

i might never imagine this will happen to me

and i don't know how could i be this far

i have no idea how to love someone before

you taught me and let me feel everything

then for all this time, i felt so blessed

being so thankful and i might tell it always

i let you to know how much i love you

i let you to be the most important and precious person i ever had

i let you to hear every beautiful words that comes right inside from my deepest heart

i let you to feel my soul completely

i let you to rule my purest heart 

i let you to be pride and loved with all the imperfection inside us

i let you to be my one call away and almost

unfortunately,

loving you more than you could love me will bring tears to me, an unknown sadness, and an empty soul..

just because you have no idea how to appreciate me the way i want to be praised

what is left now is being exhausted, for me

as the result, i let myself love you more than my own self

it's not that you don't love me

it's just i love too much and too deep 

and one lesson i can take is,

no one can ever save your soul except you

i'm not doing that anymore

hoping on someone else..

weird

 hello again :")

life is so weird.

halo blog, tasia cape pakai bahasa inggris. pakai bahasa indonesia aja. lagian ga ada juga kan yang baca hehe...

tasia sekarang suda 27. :(
sedih, udah tua. 
mau punya banyak teman lagi, sekolah, berkegiatan. 

boleh gak si minta hal yg ga mungkin di dapatin. tasia bingung, apakah sudah bahagia atau belum. kayaknya udah, tapi kadang not fully feeling the happiness yet.

gatau apa yang kurang, apa yang salah. but it feels empty, missing something i'm longing so bad.
something that i had before to laugh, and share everything and telling every things in my mind.

tasia tu, bingung tau. mau dibawa kemana lagi hidup ini. tasia cape, mau keliling dunia aja. setiap hari, bersantai keliling dunia. yang kayanya bakal bisa se gampang itu if i stay. but i chose to go, and it will be even harder to reach every things i want.

kenapa pilih yang mudah kalau ada yang susah :(

semoga tidak ada penyesalan, in life.

semoga bisa keliling dunia.

semoga bisa jadi astronot.

semoga bisa kerja di NASA.

semoga bisa berenti berimajinasi.

semoga tasia masuk surga.

semoga tasia bisa bahagia :(
Aamiin

aneh ya. hidup ini aneh,
pernah gak sih terpikir kalau misalnya bisa disuruh milih lagi ya pilih gak usah ke bumi, jadi manusia. karena jadi manusia dan hidup itu melelahkan sekali. banyak tuntutan, harus ada pencampaian dan target, ujung ujung nya mati. 

kalau kata orang hidup cuma sekali, 
maksudnya hidup cuma sekali hidup sesukanya atau hidup ikuti aturan.

gimana kalau hidup ikuti rules tapi ga bahagia dan selalu merasa ada yang kurang.
kalau mau hidup sesukanya ga mampu dan everybody's judging.

tasia benar benar takut.....kalau not fully happy ketika sudah 40.
perihal salah pilih, salah pilih nasib dan orang.

tasia mau jadi anak smp-sma aja. it's easier, than today.
tasia mau sama Allah aja yang ga akan mengecewakan tasia. which i believe that i am so fully tired.

teman teman budiman, 
pernah gak sih rasain yang udah kayak dahlah cape banged. pasrah terima. mau gimana pun pada akhirnya we only can believe ourself. and love ourself before anyone else.

jadi, yang udah ada yaa let it happen aja. as for the reason to moving on with life, not for being happy.

tasia cape banged.
tasia benar benar udah cape banged.

se capek itu.

banged.

banged.

i think i'm still not fully happy yet :(

guess finding the love of our life will make us be happy to the fullest, but i'm not in the fullest yet. 
and i'm tired of being all alone with my mind. and i am tired, of being me.

and i am tired for being excited, just alone.

...........

and it'll be better if i can stay and be forever in heaven. from now on.

love,

Tasia

here we go again

 here we go again, 

i know i can figure it out everything to me, and i know by writting things it will make everything be better. and i know before i read, this can heal me.

i feel too deep into what i am feeling and fall far for it, the way i overcome those are by listening to other so my mind will stop talking. but it made me miserable and overwhelmed sometimes, i need to be heard too. so, i let myself to talk more but nobody really listening so back again to mind that just can't stop talking. 

i thought i have healed, but what can i say. i hate rejection. 

the scariest thing for me is to be left, after to be ignored. we all hate it, but seriously, i can't handle it.

i really don't know what will i do with this life. i don't know how is future. and i don't even know what i wanna do. the same routine everyday is so tiring. sometimes, it felt like i just want to stop. from anything.

i hate the kind of feeling to be depend to other one, it feels so exhausting. and i hate me, even more. more than i hate the other one for having this kind of feeling.

hi, i am so complicated which i know i keep typing things meaningless, but this is what my mind told me and it wont stop. i need someone to help me to figure this out. to help me to stop minding everythings. to stop talking. to be quiet. i actually really tired and want to just sleep, but mind wont stop working. do i need to go to psychiatrist?

oh please, oh please.

why do we have to live in the first day. why do we have to live on earth. why do this happening to me. why nobody listens, i think i do really need to write this. but still, i need to speak loud to be heard. 

i thought i have found what i've been searching for this whole time, however it doesn't my home. i am not at home yet.

maybe i need to go to volunteer, or you know just leave for out of the box.

2023

so it's another day of another adding ages.

a lot of things happen and that was great, it was really great :) so fking amazing.
well, i didn't wrote any lyrics yet. i have finally in the moment where i always imagine and this is great.
i think this is what i want and what i need. and just fine. everything.

i always wrote a letter, a year before. i think what i used to wrote last year and what i hoped to had today, i have had it all. even less or more, thankgod for this life. 

all the tears, blood and sweat i've had to this day and every random things and every overthinking i've had every cry every laugh every smile every expectation which i don't do anymore, those are made me to be here. and those could be the best lesson for me untill today. 

time flies so fast, and things happen and come right in the fking right time. we just have to wait patiently. things will come eventually when you are surely ready for things. and maybe i am almost ready now. and we will finally realize that what is the most important thing in life.

only if i die at the end of the day, maybe some day or how do i know?

dear tasia,
i'd love to hear and see you more with smile on your face, but if you want to cry sometimes just let it all go, let the heart show what you really want to do. we will always getting older and it can not be stopped. we will hear something good and bad or just nothing. we will not go down. we'll always be love whatever we want to be and whatever our decission will be. 

we love you the most even tho you have no idea what love is.

happy birthday for 26th times, i hope life will be more and more grateful than the day before. and will always be. i hope we will be very blissful and wise.

love,
myself

stranger.

hai,

hello there,
how are you there?
i thought i am just fine here, maybe too fine or try to just be fine without any other self of me out there. this is too strange for me and all the force all the progress i am not used with this.

is this the right decission or not? how do i know.

💛

💛💛 

hello again,

it's me again, everything is sooooo fine. 
too fine to be true, too good to be reality. i know what is wrong and what is right. 
just doing what i need to do for the rest for life and accept it.

anyone and anything will lead me to the end of this chapter.
guess the new chapter is about to beginning.

see? starting again isn't really bad. 
so welcome.

nothing to say anymore. 

just okay.

:)

🖤

hi, well i am so in trouble. i mean, nobody can face my demon i guess. i am so horrible so please don’t come any closer, i just can’t control what i have to say and not to say what i have to do and not to do. the more you know me, more you will see that i am so confusing. and that is not good.

i gueas those are the reason i never really open myself to people bcs, im fking crazy insane uncontrolled. i mean, nobody can handle this. i am so weird. so, just leave and save yourself. don’t come any deeper to my soul. i have the different soul that you ever expect to be that good or bad.

maybe it looked so pretty outseide and interesting but trust me, i have demon and it stays.

love,

tasia🖤

happiness.

hello again,

so what do you know about being happy?
i don't.

everything is good, but i still don't get what's the real meaning of it.

it was like having a bad dream, but you just can't remember what happened last night. the routine, the activities, the schedules, the wishes, the life and also the end for us. maybe i'm in the wrong path.

what makes you happy? for real.
for me, well it does really make me think for some minutes, but still i've got nothing.

i love watch movies, because those movies have the plot. the beginning and the ending. at least, we know what will happen in 1-2 hour. or more. while i am stuck. with the same time, same moment, same person, same situation, same day, and same routines. i don't say that i hate this. but, i still wanna be your favourite girl. can i be your number 1? and cry for me? 

i don't even cry, anymore.

hear this ripple

hello again, mate!

i know no one is really reading this blog but, me. so, i will just write anything.
i am so glad for everything that i have today like it's all been settled up so tidy. i love everything and everyone that i hear, see, and do. i love my God, Especially. 

even tho, sometimes i hate everything. it is weird for having such feelings so random. but think about it again. i have everything that i needed and wanted, and enough. not more or not less. 
this is too comfortable for me. as a 25 years old young adult, this is too safe for me. in other side of my heart and brain, i want something different just to change and challange me. it sounds really interesting. but this? what i have now, just so can not to be left. i am too scared for the new challange and stuff. so, i chose to just stay. is it something wrong? i mean, what are we looking for in this life, anyway? 

i really wanted to be a doctor since i was 5 years old. and now i have finished the medschool, and that's it. nothing to prove anymore. i have no idea, what i want to do anymore. it's all done. so easy to be satisfied. but, why would we want more if this is just enough. the glorious life, the incredible life are just so.... i mean, this all thing will be end, at the end. and we're all will be dead. eventually.

so, whatever will happen, it will just be fine. 
for all the emotions i had before this, the depression, the happy thoughtful, the ambition, the not talking session, and the hope that was so impossible, thank you.

everything been so difficult for me but honestly, when i recall it again..it was so pretty easy to get untill this point. time flies so fast. 
and so now, i am so ready for everything that will happen to me in the future. i guess.

if God can really hear my thoughts and read this blog. well, i know God always hear my prays.
so, for now... i hope i will accept everything that God already plan for me in the future. i will accept it happily, and wholeheartedly.

i have nothing to lose..for me.
but well, actually i have a lot of things to keep. 
whatever it takes. and whereever, even whoever. 

i know this won't be so easy, but i hope no more cry hard and regretness.
i know everything happen for a reason, and every individual in this world was meant to be for the other individual to complete each other.

like i don't know how the pictures and musics remind us with some memories.

past is past let it all go. future is future let it prepare. nowday is nowday let it happen.

so mate, no more daydreaming. it's so not adult. 
be grateful and thankful.

and i do... i do love everything in my life, for now.

maybe i used to think like why did i ask to God to send me to earth in the first place? life is soooooo fking depressing for me. all the desires that not happen like exactly what we want and all the preassures and stuff. i just want to end those. 

but now, maybe this is really what i begged to God in the beforelife. so, God just gave what i asked, and always. i won't blame anything at all. life is amusing. right?

..and most importantly humans with heart and brain are more amusing.

love,
Tasia

25!

 hello again,

i am 25 years old now.
it's all good, in this year. not so disappointed, anyway what am i supposed to expect?

i hate to say this, but i just can't stop thinking what i am thinking.
maybe it happened since the first day, i just denied it everytime. and now, i just can't stop deny it anymore.

don't worry, it will be over.
i am 25 now. 

in about 2 months, everything will be different.
i promise. 

good luck, tasia.
just let it go. 

things won't go if they never want to leave.

love,
tasia, MD

MD

 hello people,

how have you been now? anyway i have finished my study, finally. it was very amusing, exhausting and also amazing. since being a doctor had been my dream this whole time, i have done it now. 

how am i feeling?
great, but afraid. all i know is i still need to study a lot but i have to be ready for the reality.
i hope, every patients that i'm about to help, i can handle it with the best way i can and nothing really bad will happen. i hope, i can be a very good doctor. i hope i didn't just waste my whole time.

time flies so fast, we are growing up, getting older and face the world.
honestly, i'm not ready yet for everything. for be a doctor, be a grown up. isn't those too much for me?

what's next, anyway?

having a new life, new people and new everything in anything. i'd love to.
but the life i have today is too comfortable, makes me want just to stay, even longer.
i feel like i don't want to meet the new people, only what i have now is enough. 

but, is enough will be best for me?

this too comfortable thing isn't really working. so, one more month. 
i have to be ready, no. 

i am ready. 
to learn, meet, experience new thing with new person.

one more month, untill 25....

bismillah.

please?

 hello again,

so it's almost finished, but not yet. for almost 25 years i live, things are just getting crazier. we don't know what will happen even 1 hour after this, life is so unexpected. i wonder if i can live in my imagination.

i wish to have more life than the day before, i wish to be more lively and be thankful. i won't ask for thing that is so not possible, i just want to live in peace. or really? 

even if i die tomorrow, i'll just be in my room. 

i used to be the one kid that having own life in my own imagination, for almost 25 years i've done nothing so amazing. i'm not gorgeous or genius, not famous very talkactive or ambitious. i'm not from wealthy family or having excellent talent. i'm just an ordinary girl. and it's okay. it's okay to be me. i even haven't be in love i guess. or have i?

the melody i hear everyday, the empty thing i hide from anyone else. the big secret real me i didn't show, and maybe this is all pretending live. i honestly hate people. i act like i love people. 
people, friends, acquaintances, strangers and enemies are so tiring. but when i am alone all day, it's even more tired. 

life is so complicated, and so love. so drama and no end thing. everything involve with feeling are so overrated. 

i always try to fix other people, but really mate?! i'm fucking broken here. 
no one is fully fine, especially in our ages. 

if life is so that beautiful, why do we always having a deep sigh?
really, i don't know how to enjoy it even more. i need something new. please.

sincerely,
tasia

ready?

 hello again,

i don't know what to say for real. i'm just tired with everything. i know exactly where to go, but all i know it's not a human being. as we all know we have one person or some people to be there. honestly, time flies and i still can't sleep well. 

i'm sick with you, and now i am really sick. 
i hope to meet the other you to stay again, because i really can't stay anymore.
you should know that, i'm no longer waiting or coming.
i won't listen, i won't be the old me.

a real goodbye? 
are you ready?
i'm ready now.

let's open the next door, the next chapter, and close completely this fucking crazy sweet love hate toxic and shitty thing. i hate this so much even tho i loved it too much.

i'm opening the new section for the new trilogy, oh really. seriously, deep down and finally you'll see. no, i will see that i'm more than what i hope or what i thought.

i have tasia in me, so if you won't leave, i will leave. i will leave. 

welcome this is going to be amazing, i know that. 

i love you, but i love me more. 

overrated - original

soooooooo i wrote another song, 
the lyrics tell about what i am facing for years, and i am stuck. 

anyway, this is just for fun guys lol
if it's not good enough, it's fine. but if it's good enough, i know right? 
so, listen to my soundcloud here --> OVERRATED 

the reason

hiii

so here i am again, sitting here typing things again.

so i was wondering why somehow life had been very amusing to me. like, the way it broke my heart, the way it hyped me, give me hope and expectation unfortunately became let's say an amazing thing.

like why did i always wrote something really depressing here? i'm sorry, we're all obsessed and depressed of the thing that we can't get but still force it.

so i just maybe just realize the reason why i'd like to hear other people is because, if you hear someone's problem somehow it could help you to forget about what are you facing right now. but that is so not good, if you just did it over and over again, you will be get sick and hate everyone. but sometimes, it will be exciting. so i really have no idea what i am writting now.

but, hello anxiety, been there since i was a teenager and always be there.

i think it is sooo normal for having any anxiety especially in the condition when you are about to face the big thing, right? but, is it?

anyway, let's calm again our soul, be better and being closer to god. have a lot of pray, be a prayer. i mean i have this feeling, that something good will happen eventually. right?

if only i will get the chance to have the chance to get what i want, i will still maybe take it. 
having another life that seems very amazing, anyway the days before i'm in this very field, i think it will be very cool, i'm doing this now it is cool. but, fking exhausting but it's ok. 

i don't know how, when i'm about to start studying every messy minds and every overthinking and have no solve problem thing it will just somehow disappear when i am studying. so study is just like my ran away thing. one of my ran away thing. really?? there're still a lot of things that we can do dudeeee, like watching movies, sing, writting obviously, and studying. woah. i'm so proud of me.

anyway, if i can have an expectation about my future, well am i in the future now? there will always be a future right? how will this end and i will meet the right one to do, to have life and to spend the rest of my life with someone, i hope you can be my best friend. it will be great. 

and if i can't meet that kind of thing, it's fine. i have God with me. and always. since before, and untill tomorrow, always.

so if you are having panic attack, depression, anxiety, it's okay darling. it makes you a human. we'll be dead at the end, but not today. not yet. 

and i just want to say that i love the choice that i made to have living in this world. so enjoy your life, we really have no idea when will it be end. and i am very sorry, for everyone who i ever hurt, i just maybe don't know how to say the word. 

this is so insane, being myself alone here in my mind thinking of life everyday and i hope again no more tears, i will be stronger than yesterday.

i'm ready for the next level of this journey.
if i can't make anyone proud of my existency, it'll be very okay, really i'm fine. being myself proud with myself growing, is more than enough. i'm happy and proud for being me.

love,
tasia

not again

 hello again,

so i'm here again, means that i have no where to go again. i'm just exhausted. 

i always say to myself that i am done to be the energy for everyone, i need the charges too. meanwhile, inner me need to explore what is happiness without be positive for everything. well, that is not me. i was just hold everything, so everybody see that i'm good enough, and i have nothing to be upset. 

this whole feeling, 

i was just curious how can people just being so easily to share the negativity aura to another. how can they. i'm fucking sick with this playing faking life and anything. i have no tears left anymore. so, the sweat and the blood which still inside. till the last drop of my blood, i will just stay be me. 

i was literally done listening to everyone, but i just don't know how to done to fake the feeling. i even fake my feeling like i have no interest to anyone. i hide it perfectly. 

nobody even care as much as i care my friend. i just don't know how to stop give attention and caring other people. but i never get any cared as much as i ever gave. actually, i was always being sincere for everything that i did to everyone. i always done everything wholeheartedly, i was done everything with my heart. but nobody ever done that to me.

whenever it's my time to come, people just do it as formally. 

or, i was just too focus giving to only wrong people. well, yes. right. right. 

i wish i can do the goodbye to you guys, i don't know. but why did it always like i force you to be around, the people i thought are the best people in my life, they actually don't give a fuck about me. guess, i need to stop. and i promise, this year will be the last. i won't play hard anymore, not again. 

any.

here we go again, another very deep breath that i'm about to release, another day that will keep spinning my head. when i was 14, things feel different. i don't really smile when i am alone, since. 

days are so weird. i was so happy, but at the end of the day i just can't breath.

no one ever really ask me how am i doing with life, will i ever be the same like they ever see. honestly, i don't know. i just want to sleep all day, i don't want to continue any of this. 

just take me away.

anyone, or anything.

im such a jerk

 i am such a jerk.

i know that from the begining i was born. like i was fully awake and aware when i was baby lol
anyway, it's been years i've been living in this world, but all i can do is nothing.

my family is not such a very rich family, but we actually enough for everything, just enough. not more, not less. but still i'm just one of the kid that is useless. exactly guys. life is tough.

maybe, just maybe no judging judging, i should've just be gone, for ever. then maybe everything will be better. that kind of thought is always be there. 

but i love me. everything i have and will have. however sometimes, i better just go.