the not fake me

hi, i am Tasia. as you already know, what is my name.

this is the life that i have and sometimes i am not the one that i recognize.
if you're not ready to know more about me, please i beg you not to read.

just stop here.


I am a lets say young adult, 22nd years old, and a medical student.
this degree always be my dream. i would like to help a lot of people, i'm not gonna lie but that's like my inner self is that kind of "angel wanna be".

i never know if i really can be a doctor. it's not an easy job when you have to face the stressful working situation. you are about to save lifes, but is your life good enough already?

i have this condition when i really want to die. i'm not gonna lie, i wrote suicide letter not once, not twice. but i'm still hanging.
i suffer from a little depression, a little bipolar, a huge mood swing, and a little ocd.
no guys, those all just self diagnosed. i sometimes think that i might have DID.

but the more years passed, i know who i am.
before, i keep i don't know, hiding everything and handle everything. nobody is really listening to me because one and another condition. actually, i can take that. but again, i'm suffering. i know, i am not the only one who is struggling. that is the only reason why i keep try to listen more and much. at least i can save the close ones.

this has already been like family tree, this kind of disorder that already spread in my family which is this might be true. however, i just can not, i just can not, i really can not to stop smilling in front of everyone. and it really hurts me so bad.
tbh, i really need one person who can stand behind those fake smiles. i do really need a help, but why everybody never really asking me? and keep make me suffering more. i sometimes really hate people. but i'm still hanging.

for the worst condition, my parents really hate when their kids cry or mad in front of them. so i have to hide it again. and pretend that all just good. i know why they just don't want to see us being sad. but, is it really forbidden to show our feeling?

days keep changing, but i keep faking my smile. and trust nobody but god.

when i'm down and no one knows, i just want to be around god. which this will brings me to, maybe die? this kind of thoughts is never end.

i finally maybe find someone that i can rely on to. but, is it? i guess i was wrong again.
that someone never really be ready for the worst condition that i have.
and i am really sick of me. for keep being "angel wanna be" around people when i really need an angel too, but still no straight views.

make a joke, be the joke, the one who has laughter, and keep sayin "okay, i'll be fine"

i just can not show that. this face. this kind of expression in crowd.
i'm not gonna lie, i love my fams, friends and the loved ones everyone around, my might be future career and i know that they love me too.

but maybe, i just give too much affection, but i don't really ge it back.

so, i just want to say that i have that what we call as "limit"
and idk when my limit will be over.

this life is not really easy. and people are so uneasy. and me is very complicated.
who can accept those? this whole me.

i think i already found it. but i was wrong.
nobody can really hanging around me, because even myself want to not be around me anymore sometimes.

you might see that i am a very friendly, cheerful, happy, laughter, jokes, very extrovert, easy going, and nice human being. but am i?
i just want to show you how will you, i want to score me. and i am perfect at it.

and it's funny how i am being an enfp and twin sign. i'm a gemini. it's like having two faces at once. i maybe give too much love and appreciate to people, but do they really love me? do they really even care?
idk really.

i've been in lot of kind of social life. and it was really painful and other was really blessful. so, if you already read this. and you find me too dramatically things, maybe you are right. but, it's life of young adult. who should really we blame?

and if you feel like you can help me to through this, let me know please, i would like to know.

but if you just can't stand for who i am and my depression talk but you keep reading this, please leave. we might don't need each other. you are maybe needed by someone else.

i never really want to die, for that reason i wrote this.
i'm no a joke. and you can't really blame me anymore.

no thing in this world, but this is how i really feel if you ever ask.

for the last i want to say,
thank you and i'm sorry

i'm sorry if one day, you find me as a different one. or, you can't find me anymore.