stop.

 do i really want this way? am i deserve to be a doctor?

why does this feels so not right. is this the right path for me? 
how do i know?

happy?

hello again,

i know nobody really read my blog so i'm not sure for saying hello to anyone here. but if you read this, the only question is.. are you happy? like real happy.

guess i'm not. i'm just being calm, all the way that possible to be.

i tried to create the moment and force people to be around me and pick the wrong way. i can't relate to anybody. i want to be around people when i'm alone, but when i'm around, i think it's better just to stay alone. something is wrong, that's all i know.

at this moment, i don't remember when the last time i have the purest smile and laugh and being happy for real. always make it like it is real, but is it? 

thinking for my daydreaming as it will ever become true. it wasn't me. it's all just pretending so you'll see that i deserve this.

so are you happy? what it's like?

may i even touch it?

ages.

only if i knew, being adult is really difficult. having majority and more times to live in will be very hard for me. i wish i will always be a kid.

and i go back to my childhood, i was a shy girl who doesn't really speak much. hiding from everything, and never confront what's in my head. it wasn't really good for me too.

this whole progress just to create me become somebody.

i really don't know which part that i want to stay. but the reality, today is needed to be done.

i'm too scared for the future. i don't want to see anyone or anything. 

maybe or for sure, i'm not worth to be with anybody. i can't take or even give anything. where's my angel?

i'm getting old, by the times won't stop.

the rotation

 hello again from me inside the box,

i never really think about life after this. i mean, ofcourse i think about it a lot of times, but whenever i tried to think about future, i just can't continue it. i don't know how to live life after this, will i survive or not. i just want to stop this. this whole rotation of life.

one day, i think i can keep moving on with life with a partner around. anyway, no one is around. when someone is around, it just gave the pain. i'm not ready or have any sigh to receive the pain.

when is actually you feel sure about one thing? this is a surely feeling but i don't know if life is really telling me the truth or just pass? 

maybe this is just how universe tell me to stop. stop being around the wrong people. this life is shitty thing to keep. 

this whole rotation is bad, i'm not gonna live with life people chose me to. this is my life, right?
i don't think if anybody ever really care, so screw them. 

maybe i will end up being alone forever or maybe i need the new begining. 

or just in case i'm just not in the mood right now, give me the sign. any sign to keep me still being alive. 

i'm not even really ready to meet tomorrow, i just need someone to talk, yes right. i know where to go. 

goodbye.

overwhelming.

they say, when your mind is just so crowded and everything isn't going as you expected, go write something. i've always done it since years ago. i came here and wrote everything. 

i thought nobody will get it what i mean while i'm doing this.

i write alone and it was good, but felt something is missing. so i tried to talked to a stranger, it felt better, but still something is missing. years passed by, and i found some friends. or a friend, that i can tell everything. at first, it was all just great. i didn't write here for so long time, i didn't try to find a stranger to talk, i was undercontrol and totally fine. 

but, people are people, they don't really get it. 

it hurted so bad. i was alone again.

so i tried to find a stranger again, but it didn't feel the same. and here i am. talking here, again.

hello, how have you been?
i've been doing seems so well and great. well i wish so.

i have this situation where i don't really being friends with anyone, but anyone can be my friends. i'm so exhausted being faking everything, like no one will see me inside. i did it, very well.

and now i'm so breathless. i lost my oxygen, i guess i'm about to apnea. :")

anyway, i always almost there. almost end everything and leave this all behind and thinking about you know what i mean. almost there. everytime.

i wish time can be my good friend. because i'm all alone again. 

remember when i'm being so dramatic teenager or so imaginative teenager? well i'm stuck.
and getting worse. guess nobody really want to be with me. not even myself.

anyone who might read this, if i'm still alive, well let's say that i am strong enough.
but, if i'm not there anymore...guess i'm not really that well.

i really have no idea what can save me. 

well, i have to still hanging on right? i'm only 24 and, no i'm already 24 so...

can i just skip everything? the sad, mad, happy and crazy moment. i'm fucking exhausted. 

i really want to just not being here. nothing could please my soul, anymore.

so cold here, i'm freeze.
i don't hate not even love or being loved. 

don't, just don't.

the show is over

how if outer space is never been existed?
the wholesome that we expect never been real
is it something wrong to do to leave everything behind?
for the journey i've made but you wont be there

i dreamt a lot and still dreaming
judge me if i'm wrong, but this feels like wind across me through

say nothing, but worse spell the words
i'm no a rose that you could show off to everyone
nor even a sunflower who will shine on you
i am just me..the reality of life

why would you ever did that?
you gave me the hope but not love
darling, tell me what this means
i'm struggling here looking for the answer

you look so bright but sometimes it's even easier to reach
love, not anymore loving
but who am i to judge
how can i love someone else, if all i have is you?

it was all great untill...
the show is over

Before I Go

I just realize that love doesn’t really exist
I just realize that love isn’t really that pure
No matter the songs tell the glory of it
No matter how far I look for…

I just realize that I can’t stand properly
I just realize that we’re just lying to life
There’s no other things I could rely for
The extent of wall is getting worse

So, lay me down off of the  stars
Sing to me the lullaby
Let me sleep for a while to mars
Get life just to say goodbye

So, lay me  down off the clouds
Hold me please don’t go
Let me stay in the crowds
For the last time, before I go