the reason

hiii

so here i am again, sitting here typing things again.

so i was wondering why somehow life had been very amusing to me. like, the way it broke my heart, the way it hyped me, give me hope and expectation unfortunately became let's say an amazing thing.

like why did i always wrote something really depressing here? i'm sorry, we're all obsessed and depressed of the thing that we can't get but still force it.

so i just maybe just realize the reason why i'd like to hear other people is because, if you hear someone's problem somehow it could help you to forget about what are you facing right now. but that is so not good, if you just did it over and over again, you will be get sick and hate everyone. but sometimes, it will be exciting. so i really have no idea what i am writting now.

but, hello anxiety, been there since i was a teenager and always be there.

i think it is sooo normal for having any anxiety especially in the condition when you are about to face the big thing, right? but, is it?

anyway, let's calm again our soul, be better and being closer to god. have a lot of pray, be a prayer. i mean i have this feeling, that something good will happen eventually. right?

if only i will get the chance to have the chance to get what i want, i will still maybe take it. 
having another life that seems very amazing, anyway the days before i'm in this very field, i think it will be very cool, i'm doing this now it is cool. but, fking exhausting but it's ok. 

i don't know how, when i'm about to start studying every messy minds and every overthinking and have no solve problem thing it will just somehow disappear when i am studying. so study is just like my ran away thing. one of my ran away thing. really?? there're still a lot of things that we can do dudeeee, like watching movies, sing, writting obviously, and studying. woah. i'm so proud of me.

anyway, if i can have an expectation about my future, well am i in the future now? there will always be a future right? how will this end and i will meet the right one to do, to have life and to spend the rest of my life with someone, i hope you can be my best friend. it will be great. 

and if i can't meet that kind of thing, it's fine. i have God with me. and always. since before, and untill tomorrow, always.

so if you are having panic attack, depression, anxiety, it's okay darling. it makes you a human. we'll be dead at the end, but not today. not yet. 

and i just want to say that i love the choice that i made to have living in this world. so enjoy your life, we really have no idea when will it be end. and i am very sorry, for everyone who i ever hurt, i just maybe don't know how to say the word. 

this is so insane, being myself alone here in my mind thinking of life everyday and i hope again no more tears, i will be stronger than yesterday.

i'm ready for the next level of this journey.
if i can't make anyone proud of my existency, it'll be very okay, really i'm fine. being myself proud with myself growing, is more than enough. i'm happy and proud for being me.

love,
tasia

not again

 hello again,

so i'm here again, means that i have no where to go again. i'm just exhausted. 

i always say to myself that i am done to be the energy for everyone, i need the charges too. meanwhile, inner me need to explore what is happiness without be positive for everything. well, that is not me. i was just hold everything, so everybody see that i'm good enough, and i have nothing to be upset. 

this whole feeling, 

i was just curious how can people just being so easily to share the negativity aura to another. how can they. i'm fucking sick with this playing faking life and anything. i have no tears left anymore. so, the sweat and the blood which still inside. till the last drop of my blood, i will just stay be me. 

i was literally done listening to everyone, but i just don't know how to done to fake the feeling. i even fake my feeling like i have no interest to anyone. i hide it perfectly. 

nobody even care as much as i care my friend. i just don't know how to stop give attention and caring other people. but i never get any cared as much as i ever gave. actually, i was always being sincere for everything that i did to everyone. i always done everything wholeheartedly, i was done everything with my heart. but nobody ever done that to me.

whenever it's my time to come, people just do it as formally. 

or, i was just too focus giving to only wrong people. well, yes. right. right. 

i wish i can do the goodbye to you guys, i don't know. but why did it always like i force you to be around, the people i thought are the best people in my life, they actually don't give a fuck about me. guess, i need to stop. and i promise, this year will be the last. i won't play hard anymore, not again. 

any.

here we go again, another very deep breath that i'm about to release, another day that will keep spinning my head. when i was 14, things feel different. i don't really smile when i am alone, since. 

days are so weird. i was so happy, but at the end of the day i just can't breath.

no one ever really ask me how am i doing with life, will i ever be the same like they ever see. honestly, i don't know. i just want to sleep all day, i don't want to continue any of this. 

just take me away.

anyone, or anything.

im such a jerk

 i am such a jerk.

i know that from the begining i was born. like i was fully awake and aware when i was baby lol
anyway, it's been years i've been living in this world, but all i can do is nothing.

my family is not such a very rich family, but we actually enough for everything, just enough. not more, not less. but still i'm just one of the kid that is useless. exactly guys. life is tough.

maybe, just maybe no judging judging, i should've just be gone, for ever. then maybe everything will be better. that kind of thought is always be there. 

but i love me. everything i have and will have. however sometimes, i better just go.

stop.

 do i really want this way? am i deserve to be a doctor?

why does this feels so not right. is this the right path for me? 
how do i know?

happy?

hello again,

i know nobody really read my blog so i'm not sure for saying hello to anyone here. but if you read this, the only question is.. are you happy? like real happy.

guess i'm not. i'm just being calm, all the way that possible to be.

i tried to create the moment and force people to be around me and pick the wrong way. i can't relate to anybody. i want to be around people when i'm alone, but when i'm around, i think it's better just to stay alone. something is wrong, that's all i know.

at this moment, i don't remember when the last time i have the purest smile and laugh and being happy for real. always make it like it is real, but is it? 

thinking for my daydreaming as it will ever become true. it wasn't me. it's all just pretending so you'll see that i deserve this.

so are you happy? what it's like?

may i even touch it?

ages.

only if i knew, being adult is really difficult. having majority and more times to live in will be very hard for me. i wish i will always be a kid.

and i go back to my childhood, i was a shy girl who doesn't really speak much. hiding from everything, and never confront what's in my head. it wasn't really good for me too.

this whole progress just to create me become somebody.

i really don't know which part that i want to stay. but the reality, today is needed to be done.

i'm too scared for the future. i don't want to see anyone or anything. 

maybe or for sure, i'm not worth to be with anybody. i can't take or even give anything. where's my angel?

i'm getting old, by the times won't stop.

the rotation

 hello again from me inside the box,

i never really think about life after this. i mean, ofcourse i think about it a lot of times, but whenever i tried to think about future, i just can't continue it. i don't know how to live life after this, will i survive or not. i just want to stop this. this whole rotation of life.

one day, i think i can keep moving on with life with a partner around. anyway, no one is around. when someone is around, it just gave the pain. i'm not ready or have any sigh to receive the pain.

when is actually you feel sure about one thing? this is a surely feeling but i don't know if life is really telling me the truth or just pass? 

maybe this is just how universe tell me to stop. stop being around the wrong people. this life is shitty thing to keep. 

this whole rotation is bad, i'm not gonna live with life people chose me to. this is my life, right?
i don't think if anybody ever really care, so screw them. 

maybe i will end up being alone forever or maybe i need the new begining. 

or just in case i'm just not in the mood right now, give me the sign. any sign to keep me still being alive. 

i'm not even really ready to meet tomorrow, i just need someone to talk, yes right. i know where to go. 

goodbye.

overwhelming.

they say, when your mind is just so crowded and everything isn't going as you expected, go write something. i've always done it since years ago. i came here and wrote everything. 

i thought nobody will get it what i mean while i'm doing this.

i write alone and it was good, but felt something is missing. so i tried to talked to a stranger, it felt better, but still something is missing. years passed by, and i found some friends. or a friend, that i can tell everything. at first, it was all just great. i didn't write here for so long time, i didn't try to find a stranger to talk, i was undercontrol and totally fine. 

but, people are people, they don't really get it. 

it hurted so bad. i was alone again.

so i tried to find a stranger again, but it didn't feel the same. and here i am. talking here, again.

hello, how have you been?
i've been doing seems so well and great. well i wish so.

i have this situation where i don't really being friends with anyone, but anyone can be my friends. i'm so exhausted being faking everything, like no one will see me inside. i did it, very well.

and now i'm so breathless. i lost my oxygen, i guess i'm about to apnea. :")

anyway, i always almost there. almost end everything and leave this all behind and thinking about you know what i mean. almost there. everytime.

i wish time can be my good friend. because i'm all alone again. 

remember when i'm being so dramatic teenager or so imaginative teenager? well i'm stuck.
and getting worse. guess nobody really want to be with me. not even myself.

anyone who might read this, if i'm still alive, well let's say that i am strong enough.
but, if i'm not there anymore...guess i'm not really that well.

i really have no idea what can save me. 

well, i have to still hanging on right? i'm only 24 and, no i'm already 24 so...

can i just skip everything? the sad, mad, happy and crazy moment. i'm fucking exhausted. 

i really want to just not being here. nothing could please my soul, anymore.

so cold here, i'm freeze.
i don't hate not even love or being loved. 

don't, just don't.

the show is over

how if outer space is never been existed?
the wholesome that we expect never been real
is it something wrong to do to leave everything behind?
for the journey i've made but you wont be there

i dreamt a lot and still dreaming
judge me if i'm wrong, but this feels like wind across me through

say nothing, but worse spell the words
i'm no a rose that you could show off to everyone
nor even a sunflower who will shine on you
i am just me..the reality of life

why would you ever did that?
you gave me the hope but not love
darling, tell me what this means
i'm struggling here looking for the answer

you look so bright but sometimes it's even easier to reach
love, not anymore loving
but who am i to judge
how can i love someone else, if all i have is you?

it was all great untill...
the show is over

Before I Go

I just realize that love doesn’t really exist
I just realize that love isn’t really that pure
No matter the songs tell the glory of it
No matter how far I look for…

I just realize that I can’t stand properly
I just realize that we’re just lying to life
There’s no other things I could rely for
The extent of wall is getting worse

So, lay me down off of the  stars
Sing to me the lullaby
Let me sleep for a while to mars
Get life just to say goodbye

So, lay me  down off the clouds
Hold me please don’t go
Let me stay in the crowds
For the last time, before I go