the reason

hiii

so here i am again, sitting here typing things again.

so i was wondering why somehow life had been very amusing to me. like, the way it broke my heart, the way it hyped me, give me hope and expectation unfortunately became let's say an amazing thing.

like why did i always wrote something really depressing here? i'm sorry, we're all obsessed and depressed of the thing that we can't get but still force it.

so i just maybe just realize the reason why i'd like to hear other people is because, if you hear someone's problem somehow it could help you to forget about what are you facing right now. but that is so not good, if you just did it over and over again, you will be get sick and hate everyone. but sometimes, it will be exciting. so i really have no idea what i am writting now.

but, hello anxiety, been there since i was a teenager and always be there.

i think it is sooo normal for having any anxiety especially in the condition when you are about to face the big thing, right? but, is it?

anyway, let's calm again our soul, be better and being closer to god. have a lot of pray, be a prayer. i mean i have this feeling, that something good will happen eventually. right?

if only i will get the chance to have the chance to get what i want, i will still maybe take it. 
having another life that seems very amazing, anyway the days before i'm in this very field, i think it will be very cool, i'm doing this now it is cool. but, fking exhausting but it's ok. 

i don't know how, when i'm about to start studying every messy minds and every overthinking and have no solve problem thing it will just somehow disappear when i am studying. so study is just like my ran away thing. one of my ran away thing. really?? there're still a lot of things that we can do dudeeee, like watching movies, sing, writting obviously, and studying. woah. i'm so proud of me.

anyway, if i can have an expectation about my future, well am i in the future now? there will always be a future right? how will this end and i will meet the right one to do, to have life and to spend the rest of my life with someone, i hope you can be my best friend. it will be great. 

and if i can't meet that kind of thing, it's fine. i have God with me. and always. since before, and untill tomorrow, always.

so if you are having panic attack, depression, anxiety, it's okay darling. it makes you a human. we'll be dead at the end, but not today. not yet. 

and i just want to say that i love the choice that i made to have living in this world. so enjoy your life, we really have no idea when will it be end. and i am very sorry, for everyone who i ever hurt, i just maybe don't know how to say the word. 

this is so insane, being myself alone here in my mind thinking of life everyday and i hope again no more tears, i will be stronger than yesterday.

i'm ready for the next level of this journey.
if i can't make anyone proud of my existency, it'll be very okay, really i'm fine. being myself proud with myself growing, is more than enough. i'm happy and proud for being me.

love,
tasia

not again

 hello again,

so i'm here again, means that i have no where to go again. i'm just exhausted. 

i always say to myself that i am done to be the energy for everyone, i need the charges too. meanwhile, inner me need to explore what is happiness without be positive for everything. well, that is not me. i was just hold everything, so everybody see that i'm good enough, and i have nothing to be upset. 

this whole feeling, 

i was just curious how can people just being so easily to share the negativity aura to another. how can they. i'm fucking sick with this playing faking life and anything. i have no tears left anymore. so, the sweat and the blood which still inside. till the last drop of my blood, i will just stay be me. 

i was literally done listening to everyone, but i just don't know how to done to fake the feeling. i even fake my feeling like i have no interest to anyone. i hide it perfectly. 

nobody even care as much as i care my friend. i just don't know how to stop give attention and caring other people. but i never get any cared as much as i ever gave. actually, i was always being sincere for everything that i did to everyone. i always done everything wholeheartedly, i was done everything with my heart. but nobody ever done that to me.

whenever it's my time to come, people just do it as formally. 

or, i was just too focus giving to only wrong people. well, yes. right. right. 

i wish i can do the goodbye to you guys, i don't know. but why did it always like i force you to be around, the people i thought are the best people in my life, they actually don't give a fuck about me. guess, i need to stop. and i promise, this year will be the last. i won't play hard anymore, not again.