letter to God

i am really tired.

really tired.
i think i want to die. oh god, take me please.

tasia capek ya Allah. tasia lemah ya Allah. tasia sangat lemah ya Allah. tasia gak kuat. 
tasia gak mau hidup lebih lama lagi. tasia udah gak tau lagi mau ngapain di hidup ini.

tasia sayang sama orang orang yang sayang sama tasia.
tapi tasia gak pernah merasa cukup, merasa bahagia, ataupun merasa tenang.
tasia gak tau tasia mau apa. 

semua orang punya ide dan saran nya masing masing. tasia gak tau yang tasia mau sebenarnya apa. tasia tau semua orang punya masalahnya masing masing. tapi tasia capek ya Allah.
tasia udah berdosa. udah berdosa banget. tasia udah berdosa banyak. dan belum cukup untuk masuk surga, tp tasia udah capek banget. 

tasia capek, sesak napas, tangan kaki dingin. jantung berdebar. tasia rasanya susah bernapas. 

tasia gak tau lagi ya Allah. tolong tasia.
masalah tasia emang gak berat, tapi tasia capek hidup selama 27 tahun ini. 

tasia cuma mau ketemu sama orang yang bisa buat tasia sehat dari gangguan ini. pikiran mau mati ini. tapi kenapa tasia dipertemukan sama orang yang malah buat tasia rasanya makin sakit. tasia gak kuat ya Allah. karena tasia udah ketemu, tapi i'm still not happy. :(

so then just take me away, dear god.

hopefully

i just wish not to have this kind feeling, if time could back. i hope i won't feel too deep. to anything or anyone. this is so killing me.

i hope, i really hope to be with someone who madly in love to me, and just love me more as much as i can. i hope to meet someone else. someone new, someone might thought that can be the one i can count on everything. i want someone like hero. but i am afraid. too afraid to let go. i don't think i can be loved that much as i wanted. 

i want to let go. to feel loved like the movie. 

i am so afraid. 
i am so scared of not being happy. because i can't be happy on my own.

i can't make myself happy. i just don't know how.

i am afraid of him will not let me be happy.

i am afraid to choose the wrong one.
dear god,
i want to lose this all kind of feeling.

i don't want to feel this kind any of feeling anymore.
let it go, let me be free. 

let me love myself more than i can do.
i don't want to be in love, especially with a human.

oh please,
save me. :(

dear my love,

i might never imagine this will happen to me

and i don't know how could i be this far

i have no idea how to love someone before

you taught me and let me feel everything

then for all this time, i felt so blessed

being so thankful and i might tell it always

i let you to know how much i love you

i let you to be the most important and precious person i ever had

i let you to hear every beautiful words that comes right inside from my deepest heart

i let you to feel my soul completely

i let you to rule my purest heart 

i let you to be pride and loved with all the imperfection inside us

i let you to be my one call away and almost

unfortunately,

loving you more than you could love me will bring tears to me, an unknown sadness, and an empty soul..

just because you have no idea how to appreciate me the way i want to be praised

what is left now is being exhausted, for me

as the result, i let myself love you more than my own self

it's not that you don't love me

it's just i love too much and too deep 

and one lesson i can take is,

no one can ever save your soul except you

i'm not doing that anymore

hoping on someone else..

weird

 hello again :")

life is so weird.

halo blog, tasia cape pakai bahasa inggris. pakai bahasa indonesia aja. lagian ga ada juga kan yang baca hehe...

tasia sekarang suda 27. :(
sedih, udah tua. 
mau punya banyak teman lagi, sekolah, berkegiatan. 

boleh gak si minta hal yg ga mungkin di dapatin. tasia bingung, apakah sudah bahagia atau belum. kayaknya udah, tapi kadang not fully feeling the happiness yet.

gatau apa yang kurang, apa yang salah. but it feels empty, missing something i'm longing so bad.
something that i had before to laugh, and share everything and telling every things in my mind.

tasia tu, bingung tau. mau dibawa kemana lagi hidup ini. tasia cape, mau keliling dunia aja. setiap hari, bersantai keliling dunia. yang kayanya bakal bisa se gampang itu if i stay. but i chose to go, and it will be even harder to reach every things i want.

kenapa pilih yang mudah kalau ada yang susah :(

semoga tidak ada penyesalan, in life.

semoga bisa keliling dunia.

semoga bisa jadi astronot.

semoga bisa kerja di NASA.

semoga bisa berenti berimajinasi.

semoga tasia masuk surga.

semoga tasia bisa bahagia :(
Aamiin

aneh ya. hidup ini aneh,
pernah gak sih terpikir kalau misalnya bisa disuruh milih lagi ya pilih gak usah ke bumi, jadi manusia. karena jadi manusia dan hidup itu melelahkan sekali. banyak tuntutan, harus ada pencampaian dan target, ujung ujung nya mati. 

kalau kata orang hidup cuma sekali, 
maksudnya hidup cuma sekali hidup sesukanya atau hidup ikuti aturan.

gimana kalau hidup ikuti rules tapi ga bahagia dan selalu merasa ada yang kurang.
kalau mau hidup sesukanya ga mampu dan everybody's judging.

tasia benar benar takut.....kalau not fully happy ketika sudah 40.
perihal salah pilih, salah pilih nasib dan orang.

tasia mau jadi anak smp-sma aja. it's easier, than today.
tasia mau sama Allah aja yang ga akan mengecewakan tasia. which i believe that i am so fully tired.

teman teman budiman, 
pernah gak sih rasain yang udah kayak dahlah cape banged. pasrah terima. mau gimana pun pada akhirnya we only can believe ourself. and love ourself before anyone else.

jadi, yang udah ada yaa let it happen aja. as for the reason to moving on with life, not for being happy.

tasia cape banged.
tasia benar benar udah cape banged.

se capek itu.

banged.

banged.

i think i'm still not fully happy yet :(

guess finding the love of our life will make us be happy to the fullest, but i'm not in the fullest yet. 
and i'm tired of being all alone with my mind. and i am tired, of being me.

and i am tired for being excited, just alone.

...........

and it'll be better if i can stay and be forever in heaven. from now on.

love,

Tasia

here we go again

 here we go again, 

i know i can figure it out everything to me, and i know by writting things it will make everything be better. and i know before i read, this can heal me.

i feel too deep into what i am feeling and fall far for it, the way i overcome those are by listening to other so my mind will stop talking. but it made me miserable and overwhelmed sometimes, i need to be heard too. so, i let myself to talk more but nobody really listening so back again to mind that just can't stop talking. 

i thought i have healed, but what can i say. i hate rejection. 

the scariest thing for me is to be left, after to be ignored. we all hate it, but seriously, i can't handle it.

i really don't know what will i do with this life. i don't know how is future. and i don't even know what i wanna do. the same routine everyday is so tiring. sometimes, it felt like i just want to stop. from anything.

i hate the kind of feeling to be depend to other one, it feels so exhausting. and i hate me, even more. more than i hate the other one for having this kind of feeling.

hi, i am so complicated which i know i keep typing things meaningless, but this is what my mind told me and it wont stop. i need someone to help me to figure this out. to help me to stop minding everythings. to stop talking. to be quiet. i actually really tired and want to just sleep, but mind wont stop working. do i need to go to psychiatrist?

oh please, oh please.

why do we have to live in the first day. why do we have to live on earth. why do this happening to me. why nobody listens, i think i do really need to write this. but still, i need to speak loud to be heard. 

i thought i have found what i've been searching for this whole time, however it doesn't my home. i am not at home yet.

maybe i need to go to volunteer, or you know just leave for out of the box.

2023

so it's another day of another adding ages.

a lot of things happen and that was great, it was really great :) so fking amazing.
well, i didn't wrote any lyrics yet. i have finally in the moment where i always imagine and this is great.
i think this is what i want and what i need. and just fine. everything.

i always wrote a letter, a year before. i think what i used to wrote last year and what i hoped to had today, i have had it all. even less or more, thankgod for this life. 

all the tears, blood and sweat i've had to this day and every random things and every overthinking i've had every cry every laugh every smile every expectation which i don't do anymore, those are made me to be here. and those could be the best lesson for me untill today. 

time flies so fast, and things happen and come right in the fking right time. we just have to wait patiently. things will come eventually when you are surely ready for things. and maybe i am almost ready now. and we will finally realize that what is the most important thing in life.

only if i die at the end of the day, maybe some day or how do i know?

dear tasia,
i'd love to hear and see you more with smile on your face, but if you want to cry sometimes just let it all go, let the heart show what you really want to do. we will always getting older and it can not be stopped. we will hear something good and bad or just nothing. we will not go down. we'll always be love whatever we want to be and whatever our decission will be. 

we love you the most even tho you have no idea what love is.

happy birthday for 26th times, i hope life will be more and more grateful than the day before. and will always be. i hope we will be very blissful and wise.

love,
myself

stranger.

hai,

hello there,
how are you there?
i thought i am just fine here, maybe too fine or try to just be fine without any other self of me out there. this is too strange for me and all the force all the progress i am not used with this.

is this the right decission or not? how do i know.