letter to God

i am really tired.

really tired.
i think i want to die. oh god, take me please.

tasia capek ya Allah. tasia lemah ya Allah. tasia sangat lemah ya Allah. tasia gak kuat. 
tasia gak mau hidup lebih lama lagi. tasia udah gak tau lagi mau ngapain di hidup ini.

tasia sayang sama orang orang yang sayang sama tasia.
tapi tasia gak pernah merasa cukup, merasa bahagia, ataupun merasa tenang.
tasia gak tau tasia mau apa. 

semua orang punya ide dan saran nya masing masing. tasia gak tau yang tasia mau sebenarnya apa. tasia tau semua orang punya masalahnya masing masing. tapi tasia capek ya Allah.
tasia udah berdosa. udah berdosa banget. tasia udah berdosa banyak. dan belum cukup untuk masuk surga, tp tasia udah capek banget. 

tasia capek, sesak napas, tangan kaki dingin. jantung berdebar. tasia rasanya susah bernapas. 

tasia gak tau lagi ya Allah. tolong tasia.
masalah tasia emang gak berat, tapi tasia capek hidup selama 27 tahun ini. 

tasia cuma mau ketemu sama orang yang bisa buat tasia sehat dari gangguan ini. pikiran mau mati ini. tapi kenapa tasia dipertemukan sama orang yang malah buat tasia rasanya makin sakit. tasia gak kuat ya Allah. karena tasia udah ketemu, tapi i'm still not happy. :(

so then just take me away, dear god.

hopefully

i just wish not to have this kind feeling, if time could back. i hope i won't feel too deep. to anything or anyone. this is so killing me.

i hope, i really hope to be with someone who madly in love to me, and just love me more as much as i can. i hope to meet someone else. someone new, someone might thought that can be the one i can count on everything. i want someone like hero. but i am afraid. too afraid to let go. i don't think i can be loved that much as i wanted. 

i want to let go. to feel loved like the movie. 

i am so afraid. 
i am so scared of not being happy. because i can't be happy on my own.

i can't make myself happy. i just don't know how.

i am afraid of him will not let me be happy.

i am afraid to choose the wrong one.
dear god,
i want to lose this all kind of feeling.

i don't want to feel this kind any of feeling anymore.
let it go, let me be free. 

let me love myself more than i can do.
i don't want to be in love, especially with a human.

oh please,
save me. :(